Monday, June 10, 2019

Stop asking women when they’re having kids

 Source Website: https://www.asiaone.com/lifestyle/stop-asking-women-when-they%E2%80%99re-having-kids
By theAsianparent, Asiaone, 08 June 2019


People have this horrible habit of asking couples when they're going to have a baby, especially in Asian
PHOTO: People have this horrible habit of asking couples when they're going to have a baby, especially in Asian cultures. The question inevitably pops up: So, when are you going to try for kids?
Picture posted by Albert Kents in Inspiring Stories on 20 February 2017
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https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/1000/1*yILVj4iuW99qjQtsCpwKPw.jpeg
https://inspiringstories.blog/tagged/faith
https://veryfatoldman.blogspot.com/2018/04/reflection-submission-and-obedience.html


People have this horrible habit of asking couples when they're going to have a baby, especially in Asian cultures. It doesn't matter if the couple are newly married or a decade into their marriage -- the question inevitably pops up: So, when are you going to try for kids?

To those who insist on asking this question, perhaps you'll stop doing so after I tell you this little personal story.

I was in my late twenties when, with the blind optimism that this age brings, my husband and I decided to try for our first baby. So began our trying to conceive journey.

Month after month we tried… and failed. We kept trying though because I had read that for some couples, it can take up to a year for pregnancy success. But as the year went by, I realised something was wrong.
Month after month we tried… and failed.
PHOTO: Month after month we tried… and failed. We kept trying though because I had read that for some couples, it can take up to a year for pregnancy success. But as the year went by, I realised something was wrong.
Picture saved by Fleur de la Rose to Wedding
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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/415808978094912230/

One year down - no double blue lines, no baby joy.

So we saw a fertility specialist. And so we went through the barrage of tests that are a precursor to actual treatments. Nothing was wrong my husband. It was my system that was flawed somehow.

OUR VERY TRYING, TRYING TO CONCEIVE JOURNEY
I tried fertility-boosting drugs. Fail.

IUI. Fail.

Three rounds of IVF. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Second year down - still no double blue lines or baby joy.
OUR VERY TRYING, TRYING TO CONCEIVE JOURNEY
PHOTO: OUR VERY TRYING, TRYING TO CONCEIVE JOURNEY
I tried fertility-boosting drugs. Fail. IUI. Fail. Three rounds of IVF. Fail. Fail. Fail.
Second year down - still no double blue lines or baby joy.
Picture saved by Weronika Berdyszak to biutifull - Śmiertelna królowa - Rozdział 29 - Wattpad
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https://i.pinimg.com/564x/67/bb/ee/67bbee20582501ff3201bfc99df49dd6.jpg
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/742108844823345441/


By now, I had pretty much lost all hope of ever having my own biological child. We started researching alternatives, like adoption. At the same time, my fertility specialist recommended that, a. I try naturopathy and acupuncture to "cleanse" my system. And, b. I come back after this for a laparoscopy to check my faulty reproductive system.

The laparoscopy revealed I had tiny growths on my ovaries - endometriosis - that were affecting the quality of my eggs. The growths were removed and almost like magic, the very next month I became pregnant.
The laparoscopy revealed I had tiny growths on my ovaries - endometriosis - that were affecting the quality of my eggs.
PHOTO: The laparoscopy revealed I had tiny growths on my ovaries - endometriosis - that were affecting the quality of my eggs. The growths were removed and almost like magic, the very next month I became pregnant.
Picture posted by Tumblr - Imogen Dyer
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https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwohpvPgje1qj7teno1_1280.jpg
https://tumblrgallery.com/gallery/1939027


These two years of my life were the toughest, from multiple points-of-views: financial, because of the cost of three rounds of IVF and other procedures; physical, because of all the invasive procedures that were carried out on my body; and perhaps the hardest of them all - emotional.

Seeing my baby blastocyst alive, watching it transferred into my womb, then knowing it did not survive took its toll on my heart and soul.
Seeing my baby blastocyst alive, watching it transferred into my womb, then knowing it did not survive took its toll on my heart and soul.
PHOTO: Seeing my baby blastocyst alive, watching it transferred into my womb, then knowing it did not survive took its toll on my heart and soul.
Picture posted by Alan om 25 December 2016
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http://traditores.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/mary_and_jesus_grayscale.jpg
http://traditores.org/2016/12/baby-jesus-did-you-know/
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/ATKzouBwcOwijEIEy60wwODgzRpU3hCLYZOToeGSp5vPz6Rkjsgcwy4/


SO, WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS? THE BARBED QUESTION YOU SHOULD NEVER ASK A WOMAN, TRYING TO CONCEIVE OR NOT.
During these two years and even before them, no one knew we were trying for a baby. Yet, many people felt they had the right to ask that most irritating of questions: "So, when are you having kids?"

Before we embarked on our trying to conceive journey, this question when asked only made me mildly irritated and I usually brushed it off with a laugh and a joke.
Before we embarked on our trying to conceive journey, this question when asked only made me mildly irritated and I usually brushed it off with a laugh and a joke.
PHOTO: Before we embarked on our trying to conceive journey, this question when asked only made me mildly irritated and I usually brushed it off with a laugh and a joke.
Picture saved by Hannah Elizabeth to Art
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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/336081190923487222/


But in those tough two years when people continued to ask this question, I felt a myriad of emotions ranging from grief and sadness, to agony and anger. How could I possibly answer this question, when it really had no answer?

To all those people out there who insist on asking women when they're having babies, I need to tell you this.

STOP IT.
To all those people out there who insist on asking women when they're having babies, I need to tell you this. STOP IT.
PHOTO: To all those people out there who insist on asking women when they're having babies, I need to tell you this. STOP IT.
Picture posted by hielo777 on 17 December 2018
Picture saved by Diego Lizarazo to Images of Interest.
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Perhaps she's truly not ready to have a baby yet; maybe she hasn't even thought about it.


Perhaps she's truly not ready to have a baby yet; maybe she hasn't even thought about it.
PHOTO: Perhaps she's truly not ready to have a baby yet; maybe she hasn't even thought about it.
Picture posted by George Dunkley, Imogen Dyer Appreciation Society - Imogen Dyer, Model
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https://66.media.tumblr.com/c505f63151c151563c438b67a3a21f33/tumblr_moji6mu5ZN1sqjd6so1_1280.jpg
https://idasociety.tumblr.com/post/53195746755/arms-up
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Maybe she's thought it through and decided she wants to focus on building her career for a few more years. Perhaps she doesn't have the finances yet to support a baby. Or it could be that she doesn't want to bring a child into this already over-populated world.


Maybe she's thought it through and decided she wants to focus on building her career for a few more years.
PHOTO: Maybe she's thought it through and decided she wants to focus on building her career for a few more years.
Picture posted by George Dunkley, Imogen Dyer Appreciation Society - Imogen Dyer, Model
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Perhaps she doesn't have the finances yet to support a baby.
PHOTO: Perhaps she doesn't have the finances yet to support a baby. Or it could be that she doesn't want to bring a child into this already over-populated world.
Picture posted by George Dunkley, Imogen Dyer Appreciation Society - Imogen Dyer, Model
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https://66.media.tumblr.com/796129d8b63d334a1167849d9a766a88/tumblr_mojorqOv6A1sqjd6so1_1280.jpg
https://idasociety.tumblr.com/post/53360398748/hoodie-sweater
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Did you ever pause to think that maybe she could be in an abusive relationship and doesn't want to include a child in her pain-riddled life? Perhaps she was abused as a child and still suffers from the trauma, not wanting to bring a child to this world because of it.
Did you ever pause to think that maybe she could be in an abusive relationship and doesn't want to include a child in her pain-riddled life?
PHOTO: Did you ever pause to think that maybe she could be in an abusive relationship and doesn't want to include a child in her pain-riddled life?
Picture posted by IMDb - Serena Brooks (Rebecca Faulkenberry), Cut Shoot Kill (2017)
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Perhaps she was abused as a child and still suffers from the trauma, not wanting to bring a child to this world because of it.
PHOTO: Perhaps she was abused as a child and still suffers from the trauma, not wanting to bring a child to this world because of it.
Picture posted by UHM - Upcoming Horror Movies on 23 January 2017 - Serena Brooks (Rebecca Faulkenberry), Cut Shoot Kill (2017)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGgcgM-zwuE


Or like me, she could be going through the painful process of fertility treatment. The day you asked her that question could have been the day all her hopes were washed away, yet again, by a flow of blood.


Or like me, she could be going through the painful process of fertility treatment.

PHOTO: Or like me, she could be going through the painful process of fertility treatment. The day you asked her that question could have been the day all her hopes were washed away, yet again, by a flow of blood.
Picture from George Dunkley, Imogen Dyer Appreciation Society - Imogen Dyer, Model
Picture saved by Jay Gujarati to GOT - Imogen Dyer, Model
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https://veryfatoldman.blogspot.com/2019/04/sammi-cheng-zheng-xiu-wen-forgives-andy.html


"When are you having kids?" is such a barbed question, you see, especially if the woman you asked the question from is struggling to get pregnant. For her right now, her world is crumbling. She even hates going out, because the sight of a baby reminds her of what she is missing in her life. And when you ask her that question, she really doesn't know how to reply, because it highlights the empty spot in her life.
When are you having kids?
PHOTO: "When are you having kids?" is such a barbed question. For her right now, her world is crumbling. The sight of a baby reminds her of what she is missing in her life. And when you ask her that question, she really doesn't know how to reply, because it highlights the empty spot in her life.
Picture posted by Mary Elam, taken on 13 March 2012
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https://www.flickr.com/photos/76907246@N00/6860078996


So, dear aunties, uncles, parents, friends and strangers who insist on asking this question at random. Please think twice before you do this again.

Deciding to have a baby is a deeply personal decision and one that should not be of concern to anyone else.

Remember -- you don't know her story.
Deciding to have a baby is a deeply personal decision and one that should not be of concern to anyone else.
PHOTO: Deciding to have a baby is a deeply personal decision and one that should not be of concern to anyone else. Remember -- you don't know her story. 
Picture posted by Firefly-Path, Artisan Crafts / Costumery / Costumes / Other, ©2012-2019 Firefly-Path - Song of the Peacock
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By theAsianparent, Asiaone, 08 June 2019
This story was first published in theAsianparent.



Reference
[1] theAsianparent, Asiaone, Stop asking women when they’re having kids, posted on 08 June 2019, https://www.asiaone.com/lifestyle/stop-asking-women-when-they%E2%80%99re-having-kids
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