Interesting Green: Hues clues

weekend today October 9 - 10, 2010, Page T3, COLUMN
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By Georgina Chang, georginac@mediacorp.com.sg, 05:55 AM Oct 09, 2010

PHOTO: How to tell what your woman’s thinking by looking at the colour of her face. Don’t let her face go green because she’ll never let you forget it — even after a decade.
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PHOTO: Georgina Chang
weekend today October 9 - 10, 2010, Page T3, COLUMN (The Fairer Text)
The writer is the senior creative director of 987FM and Lush 99.5.

How to tell what your woman’s thinking by looking at the colour of her face

I AM an open book, so my boyfriends have always known exactly when I'm happy, sad, angry or simply in the mood. Most women, however, tend to be ambiguous, so guys get confused and bewildered.

"I'm fine" and "I'm not angry" means something else when it's followed by the cold, silent treatment. With guys, the value of subtle hints is like throwing Wagyu beef into lasagne: Lost.

Since men are visual creatures (while they never notice if you've cut your hair, they can tell when you've put on weight, and they can instantly tell when a hot girl in a tight dress is walking past 50 metres away), I've consolidated a female face colour directory as a guide to deciphering what her real message is.

You're welcome, boys.

PHOTO: Red lipstick: red kiss or a classic for all times
http://ig2.mirtesen.ru/images/upload/20205474266/big.jpeg?2010041608502789016304
http://www.rusifikator.tk/blog/latest

For example, pink is a great facial chroma. She is happy, healthy and a little flushed. Meaning she's in a good mood and open to any of your suggestions. The door is ajar - get in there quick. These moments don't last long.

White means she is shocked, or very frightened. You must be the strong, manly man, sweep her in your arms and protect her from all that is evil and cruel in this world.

Occasionally, it's due to that delicate time of the month when she needs to boost up her meat and iron intake. Just take her out for a lovely steak dinner at Bedrock, and keep ordering nice, warm food. And shut up - don't say anything to upset her fragile state.

Because with your usual stupid remarks, you'll see the white turn to red. That means she's angry. And you know you're not going to get any when she's angry. For weeks.

PHOTO: The Frothy Milky Way
Credit: W. Waller and F. Varosi (GSFC), IRAS, SkyView, NASA
http://stickypix.net/up/files/8363_f8hk5/iras_waller1.jpg
http://dctorrent.com/f99/wonderful-universe-erg-83228/index7.html

The redness is usually accompanied by heavy breathing, sometimes long silences. Don't lose hope though, you can bring the red back to a healthy pink by plying her with chocolates, flowers and loving SMSes for the next day or two.

Green is not a good colour. She is jealous and angry. Which is worse than just being angry. Those flowers and chocolate will not break through. That's because you were a total idiot and let her know that you thought another woman was more attractive, beautiful and hotter than she is. I repeat: Idiot.

Don't let her face go green because she'll never let you forget it - even after a decade. Remember that time your football team lost the match because the referee made a ridiculous mistake and you never forgot that? Same thing.

PHOTO: Soft blush, petunia red, periwinkle, electric blue...
http://blog.bridesmaid.com/iStock_bridesmaid.jpg
http://blog.bridesmaid.com/2009/08/color-me-gorgeous-hot-bridesma.html

In this case, it's going to cost you medium to large pieces of jewellery, depending on how much money she knows you make every month.

Yellow says she's not feeling well. Gently escort her to the doctor, give her fish porridge, then tuck her into bed. But this isn't the time to take advantage of her vulnerable state and lead her into a dazed agreement for sex. What's wrong with you?

Blue suggests that she's not getting enough air and is about to pass out, so please take your weight off her by propping yourself up. Don't be lazy.

Purple requires your quick reflexes. Unless you made an awesomely witty joke that made her laugh until she turned purple, she's choking! So don't stand there with your mouth open asking her what's wrong. Just apply the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

PHOTO: Sedum ‘Purple Emperor’ and ‘Matrona’, stunning in combination here at Ferncliff with bluish hues, such as the Juniperus chinensis, sargentii glauca (shown above) and later, with the tawny tufts of Pennisetum alopecuroides ‘Hameln’ (also pictured above, prior to inflorescence)
http://www.thegardenerseden.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/pennisetum-alopecuroides.jpg
http://www.thegardenerseden.com/?cat=208

Grey is precarious. It's the transition period where she could be ashen from bad news, off-colour because she's about to fall ill, or worse, it's building up to black.

Black indicates seething. And seething for a while. It's often due to something the mother-in-law said insidiously yet again and you didn't support her. Or something she's asked you to do yet again, and you didn't. Or a friend, colleague or frenemy said something annoying. You must realise that whosoever's fault it is ... you are the one solely responsible for turning her face back to a healthy pink.

Just listen intently, nod gravely and say sorry at the correct intervals. Don't even consider glancing at the TV. Doesn't matter if Liverpool is killing Man U. Just 0.01 seconds of inattention will create maelstrom and pandemonium worse than when that piece of space rock killed off all the dinosaurs roaming the earth.

See? It's really easy to assess her mood just by looking at the hue of her face. But if you're colour blind ... then I'm so sorry, dude. Just have lots of chocolates, flowers, jewellery and those weekend getaway tickets on hand at all times.

You'll need it.

By Georgina Chang, georginac@mediacorp.com.sg, 05:55 AM Oct 09, 2010

The writer is the senior creative director of 987FM and Lush 99.5FM.