Monday, June 6, 2011

Fitness, nuts

Today on sunday, Sunday June 12, 2011, Page 8, Column
Source Website:,-nuts
Phin Wong,, Updated 11:18 AM Jun 12, 2011

PHOTO: As noble as my intentions are to get in shape, I never seem to be able to actually get down to doing it.
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Today on sunday, Sunday June 12, 2011, Page 8, Column

I’ve spent a lifetime thinking about getting into shape. I think I’ve almost decided.
The last time I stepped into a gym was when I made a wrong turn while looking for the little boys' room.

This was about five years ago, and I had been sent on an assignment to a new health food cafe to subject myself to a spread of ghastly things like falafel, shredded wheat and wholegrain wraps. A rabbit would have nibbled on its own leg to add a little flavour to that meal.

PHOTO: Interval Training Secrets
September 25, 2008 by Ghatto

The cafe was located within a fitness facility, presumably to add to its torture capabilities, which is how - after several flavourless, zero-calorie, vitamin water "cocktails" - I found myself face to face with a humourless bench press machine when I was looking for a urinal.

"Excuse me," I said politely to a half-man-half-rhinoceros hybrid with a neck the size of my thigh, "which way to the washroom?"

He pointed across the room, flexing the impressive muscles in his index finger. "Are you a member here?" he asked, blocking the sun with his deltoids (deltoid muscle is the muscle forming the rounded contour of the shoulder).

"No, I'm just eating here," I said. "I don't work out."

"I can tell," he laughed, before returning to the task of lifting the equivalent of two refrigerators over his head.

PHOTO: Intermittent Fasting Healthy Fat Loss Diet

I had just been insulted by someone wearing ridiculously short shorts. But I let it slide seeing as I wanted to live.

My brushes with fitness have always been fleeting. As in they usually last for about as long as a frozen daiquiri (a classic rum and lime drink) in hell.

When I was about 10 years old, I decided with much absolution that I was done being a fatty. I was going to start running religiously and the weight was going to just fall off, revealing my true Dolph Lundgren form that had been hidden away to gasps and rapturous applause. I went outside, fastened the Velcro straps of my sneakers and sprinted off into my gorgeous future, channelling Lindsay Wagner with every bionic step.

PHOTO: American model Lindsay Wagner hot photoshoot.She would look even more hotter in strapless bras.
Written by markred on Jul-28-10 10:52pm

I got about as far as three HDB blocks. Then I took a bus to the nearest 7-Eleven and ate a Slurpee Sundae.

Why didn't anyone tell me running was hard?

In my mid-20s, I was determined to swim my way to attractiveness. I dove in, swam two laps, then went home and threw up from over-exertion. On the upside, I did feel lighter after that.

Then there was the time someone I was seeing persuaded me to hit the gym and get a tan, presumably so I would be less hideous to look at.

PHOTO: Tips On Calorie Shifting Diet You Need To Know

I actually did spend considerable time in the gym, although it was mainly spent reading the instructions on the side of the equipment, trying to figure out what on earth I was looking at, and whether I was expected to push, pull, stretch or be dispensed a cup of coffee.

I even laid out in the sun in an attempt to get some colour. That adventure ended with third-degree burns to my belly button. Love, it turns out, isn't just a many splendid thing - it's also an act of arson.

I decided to end the relationship before I got wounded in a freak jazzercise accident. ("And that's how he lost two spirit fingers, the poor dear.")

Exercise and me simply do not go together - we're like plaid and animal prints. But when I stare at my torso of tofu wobbling furiously away in the mirror as I brush my teeth every night, I think back to that 10-year-old kid who imagined a glorious life that could be lived shirtless.

PHOTO: Cameron Takes on a Fitness Training Exercise Program
Before the Charlie’s Angels star could start filming the movie, she had to undergo some extensive exercise programs. She admits that at the end of the day, her fitness training exercise program was so intense she thought she would die! Since then, she has sought the help of celebrity fitness trainer Teddy Bass to keep her in shape.

My friends dreamt of becoming neurosurgeons and race-car drivers. I just wanted to not jiggle when I skipped, skipped, skipped to my Lou ("Skip to My Lou" is a popular children's song). That wasn't so much to ask for, was it?

But, as noble as my intentions are to get in shape, I never seem to be able to actually get down to doing it. It's a constant case of the spirit being willing but the flesh being in a bar.

I'm now in my 30s and have yet to be introduced to my abs. I don't want to be 40 and have to be introduced to my feet. So I figure I have two options moving ahead: A) Give the dream of owning a set of biceps one more go, or B) Accept a future of buying stretchy pants made with Lycra.

PHOTO: Stress Makes Me Fat
Posted by Zuzana - BodyRock.Tv, May 21 2011

It's almost enough to make a grown man want to channel Lindsay Wagner all over again. They still sell Slurpee Sundaes, right?

By Phin Wong,, Updated 11:18 AM Jun 12, 2011
The writer is the features editor at Today.

PHOTO: Candice - hot women 2560x1741