Interesting Green: Settle down Yes, Settle for No

weekend today, August 28 - 29, 2010, COLUMN, PAGE T3, (the fairer text)
From http://imcms2.mediacorp.sg/CMSFileserver/documents/006/PDF/20100828/2808COW003.pdf
Website: http://www.todayonline.com/Columns/Thefairertext/EDC100828-0000049/Settle-down?-Yes,-Settle-for?-No
By Georgina Chang, georginac@mediacorp.com.sg, 05:55 AM Aug 28, 2010

PHOTO: I'd rather be single and sometimes lonely than be miserable in an unhappy relationship.
The writer's gonna take her time.
(Art: Yen Yok)
I beseech attached people not to impose your fears of being single on those who are. Because I’m not on a journey just to find a life partner. I’m on a journey to find people who will be in my life forever.
weekend today, August 28 - 29, 2010, COLUMN, PAGE T3, (the fairer text)

PHOTO: Georgina Chang
weekend today, August 28 - 29, 2010, COLUMN, PAGE T3, (the fairer text)
The writer is the senior creative director of 987FM and Lush 99.5.

IN THE past when I was in a bad relationship, we would argue about the most ridiculous things almost every day. I felt like I was in hell, on earth.

In reality, these silly fights were a symptom of underlying major problems and differences that could not be resolved. I would then make excuses to myself as to why I was still with him. I eventually came to my senses, but only after a lot of pain and disappointment.

Of course, I want to be in a fulfilling, loving relationship where we have the same priority - each other.

Parents and children are expected to leave you eventually, but your partner is for life, isn't he?

So I'd rather take my time to carefully decide who my life partner will be. There's plenty at stake, like happiness, joy, comfort, support and inspiration.

While I'm enjoying that dating journey though, it's challenging to be content about being single in Singapore.

I was at brunch with a group of friends when one of them, smug with her rich husband, two kids and a dog, said to me: "Hey, why don't you date our friend John since you're both available."

I've known John for years and she knows we've never had that kind of attraction. Still, she casually suggested that since we're the only single ones left in the group, we might as well hook up.

I wanted to put hooks into her presumptuous botoxed cheeks.

I have some female friends who have declared a little too emphatically that they have no interest in getting married, and that they don't need a man. These are warm, loving women, but they've had to go on the defensive to ward off the annoying question of: "Why aren't you married?". Which actually translates to "What's wrong with you?"

I have a handful of friends who are genuinely happily married, but there are so many more who aren't. I hear them constantly complaining bitterly.

A woman in a joyless relationship looks haggard. A man in a joyless relationship looks for other women. I want to minimise the risk of being joyless.

That means I'm not willing to settle for a guy just because he has a great smile and smells nice. No, no, I have a specific set of criteria, like honesty, a sense of humour, wisdom, courage and a touch of sex appeal.

Does that make me picky?

Women in Singapore are accused of that, just because they don't want to date someone with a lower income or education than themselves.

I've dated men with lower incomes, and the problems surfaced when he expected to be treated like the king of the house - I had to cook and serve him and obey his demands, yet he got angry if I didn't subsidise his expenses.

(Dude, if you want to be treated like a King, you have to treat her like a Queen, not an obsequious employee who has to pay you to make you look good.)

Sure, there are some girls who only want a rich guy, any rich guy even if he is obnoxious, fat, balding or a lying cheat. If you judge these girls as materialistic, don't get angry about it. You can simply choose not to date them.

I had a friend who insisted on only dating a guy who is tall, good looking, with an Ivy league education and a great job. Iasked her: "But what do you offer him in return?"

She looked disdainfully at me as if I had just picked my nose, and continued without missing a beat: "And he must drive a nice car and live in an posh condo."

As Gloria Steinem kinda said: "Become the man you want to marry."

If you expect your partner to be kind, generous, and always gorgeous, then you should have the same qualities too, right? Paunchy, flabby men should not make fun of their wife's chubby thighs.

So I beseech attached people not to impose your fears of being single on those who are. Don't pressure us to settle for anyone, or shortchange ourselves. Don't give us pitying looks (especially if your own relationship isn't that great) or try to match-make us with whoever else is still single.

We're actually having a great life doing what we want, with whoever we want. And I want to take my time because I have that freedom.

Because I'm not on a journey just to find a life partner. I'm on a journey to find people who will be in my life forever.

By Georgina Chang, georginac@mediacorp.com.sg, 05:55 AM Aug 28, 2010

The writer is the senior creative director of 987FM and Lush 99.5.