Showing posts with label Asian Opinions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Asian Opinions. Show all posts

Monday, July 18, 2016

Sumiko Tan - A friendship from the past

Source Website: http://news.asiaone.com/news/asian-opinions/sumiko-tan-friendship-past
By Sumiko Tan, The Straits Times, Sunday, 17 July 2016


We had a friendship once and it made us happy then. Even if we wanted to go back to that easy friendship we once shared - and I am not sure we did - we knew it wasn't going to happen.
PHOTO: We had a friendship once and it made us happy then. Even if we wanted to go back to that easy friendship we once shared - and I am not sure we did - we knew it wasn't going to happen. Yet there was a bond because of the friendship that once was, but now was lost. Even if we don't keep in touch, I'm grateful for that friendship. If that's as good as it gets, then it's good enough for me.
Picture posted by Linkis.com on 13 December 2015
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We met in the autumn of 1990, in the United States.

The US was having its midterm elections and a group of about 30 of us were invited to tour the country for a month. We were a mix of journalists, Members of Parliament, academics and political party activists. We came from countries the US thought would benefit from witnessing democracy at work, among them Cyprus, Egypt, India, Ireland, Israel, the Maldives and Nigeria.


We met in the autumn of 1990, in the United States.
PHOTO: We met in the autumn of 1990, in the United States.
Photo: The Straits Times
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While not as exciting as a presidential election, there was still plenty of mudslinging between the Democrats and Republicans, as they fought for seats in Congress. It was a heady four weeks as we visited six cities around the country. The travelling and excitement bonded us. We got along well, had a fantastic time and were sad when we had to say goodbye.

As happens in groups, some people got along better with each other and would hang out together more. One of those I clicked with was D. He and I came from very different worlds, but maybe because we were single and among the younger ones in the group, we could talk. We laughed at the same jokes and were comfortable in each other's company.


We were single and among the younger ones in the group, we could talk. We laughed at the same jokes and were comfortable in each other's company. We got along well, had a fantastic time and were sad when we had to say goodbye.
PHOTO: We were single and among the younger ones in the group, we could talk. We laughed at the same jokes and were comfortable in each other's company. We got along well, had a fantastic time and were sad when we had to say goodbye.
Picture posted by vyacheslav 0704 5 years ago
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http://i.sunhome.ru/foto/54/bliznyashki-v2.xl.jpg
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When the trip was over, we kept in touch through letters - yes, it's hard to imagine, but those were the days before e-mail. Then, as in most long-distance friendships, ours died after a while. We were busy with our own lives, we lived too far away from each other and we didn't have that much in common other than the American trip, which was becoming a pleasant but distant memory.

In 1994, though, we met up. A Singapore minister visited his country and I was one of the journalists who covered the trip. D picked me up late one night after I'd filed my stories and we went for drinks at a hotel. We sat in a candle-lit courtyard but after the initial burst of catching up, the conversation dragged. There wasn't much to say to each other beyond recollecting our American adventure.


We were busy with our own lives, we lived too far away from each other and we didn't have that much in common other than the American trip, which was becoming a pleasant but distant memory.
PHOTO: We were busy with our own lives, we lived too far away from each other and we didn't have that much in common other than the American trip, which was becoming a pleasant but distant memory.
Picture posted by Quinnqueens ‏@Quinnqueens on 11 July 2016
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And so, I thought, that was that, then. Like so many other friendships in my life, it was good while it lasted but the journey must end sooner or later. Two years ago, out of the blue, I got an e-mail from him to say he would be in Singapore for a working trip. Was I free to meet? Unfortunately, I had to travel at the time and replied that I couldn't.

Then last week, he visited Singapore again and, this time, we did get together for dinner. I didn't meet him alone though. H came along. I'm not sure how other married couples would approach a situation like this, but I didn't feel I should be meeting a friend of the opposite sex alone for dinner. In any case, I thought it'd be interesting for them to meet. H took a bit of persuading but, in the end, he said he'd come along if I wanted him to.


And so, I thought, that was that, then. Like so many other friendships in my life, it was good while it lasted but the journey must end sooner or later.
PHOTO: And so, I thought, that was that, then. Like so many other friendships in my life, it was good while it lasted but the journey must end sooner or later.
Picture posted by Edi Wibowo (Indonesia)
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I was worried things would be awkward, but the evening turned out fine. I wouldn't say the two men got on like a house on fire, but the vibes were positive and they discovered a common interest in football. As for me, I was happy to see D after 22 years. It brought back memories of the trip and how I was young, crazy and carefree then.

He had got married soon after we met in 1994 and I was happy to learn that he and his family - he has two sons - are doing well. He showed us pictures of them. It was interesting to observe how he had changed in those intervening years. We both exclaimed how we were the same but, of course, we weren't, physically, mentally and probably spiritually too.


We both exclaimed how we were the same but, of course, we weren't, physically, mentally and probably spiritually too.
PHOTO: We both exclaimed how we were the same but, of course, we weren't, physically, mentally and probably spiritually too.
Picture posted by Venham a mim as criancinhas! Little children come to me!
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The meeting was bittersweet somehow. There's nothing like meeting someone from your long-gone past to drive home how you are so much older now. I could see it in his eyes - and he in mine - that we have both lived through so much. We have become different people and moved on with our lives.

Even if we wanted to go back to that easy friendship we once shared - and I am not sure we did - we knew it wasn't going to happen.


Even if we wanted to go back to that easy friendship we once shared - and I am not sure we did - we knew it wasn't going to happen.
PHOTO: Even if we wanted to go back to that easy friendship we once shared - and I am not sure we did - we knew it wasn't going to happen.
Picture From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Savages (1972 film)
Susan Blakely, Kathleen Widdoes and Asha Puthli in James Ivory's Savages (1972)
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https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/62/Savages3.jpg
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savages_(1972_film)


Yet there was a bond because of the friendship that once was, but now was lost. I felt rather sad even though I knew I shouldn't because I was, after all, meeting an old friend. Friendship is such a strange thing. There are people you have known for decades but don't consider friends, yet others you meet just once and know you've found a kindred spirit.

What is it that makes us like another person? Friendship, after all, must be rooted in like. Is it a certain look, a feeling he or she evokes in you, a smell even? Why do we feel at ease in one person's company, but are petrified to be alone in another's? Why do some people give you a warm, fuzzy feeling when you bump into them on the street, and why do you feel like fleeing the scene when you spot another person? And when you do become friends with someone, why do some friendships last forever, others for a period of time, and then there are friendships that die a quick death?


There was a bond because of the friendship that once was, but now was lost.
PHOTO: There was a bond because of the friendship that once was, but now was lost.
Picture posted by Ms Mao on 23 June 2016
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http://www.weibo.com/p/1005051906170457/home?from=page_100505_profile&wvr=6&mod=data


Over the years, I've come to some conclusions about friendship:
• You can't force a friendship. It's either there or not and the desire to be friends has to be mutual.

• A friend - or a spouse - of a friend doesn't necessarily become your friend too. I've always been intrigued by how there are people I like- and who like me - who have friends whom I would not want to be friends with, and, in fact, whom I positively loathe. How is that possible?

• Sometimes, you outgrow a friend. Sometimes, the friend outgrows you. When that happens, let it slide. People change, you change. You shouldn't feel guilty or take it personally when a friendship fizzles out.

• It's okay to shed old friends. Just because you've been friends since the age of five doesn't mean you are obliged to still be friends at 50, if you don't feel like it. Maintaining a friendship that has become stale and suffocating is a waste of time for both of you. Life is short. It's fine to move on.

• It's okay to make new friends. The best thing about new friendships is how they don't come with baggage. It's a chance to start anew, to present yourself the way you want to be seen now, not how an old friend pictures you.

• Marriage changes friendships. It especially complicates friendships you had with the opposite sex before you got married. You also have to navigate your spouse's friends, whom you might not want to be friendly with if you had a choice.


Friendship is such a strange thing. Sometimes, you outgrow a friend. Sometimes, the friend outgrows you.
PHOTO: Friendship is such a strange thing. Sometimes, you outgrow a friend. Sometimes, the friend outgrows you.
Picture posted by Ms Mao on 23 June 2016
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http://www.weibo.com/p/1005051906170457/home?from=page_100505_profile&wvr=6&mod=data


After our dinner with D, I sent him an e-mail to wish him well. Take care, I said, and keep in touch. He replied to thank me for dinner and also said we should keep in touch. I wonder if we will or if we were just saying it because that's what people say after they meet old friends. But I really shouldn't think too much into this.

We had a friendship once and it made us happy then. Even if we don't keep in touch, I'm grateful for that friendship. If that's as good as it gets, then it's good enough for me.

By Sumiko Tan, The Straits Times, Sunday, 17 July 2016
This article was first published on July 17, 2016.
Get a copy of The Straits Times or go to straitstimes.com for more stories.


We had a friendship once and it made us happy then. Even if we don't keep in touch, I'm grateful for that friendship. If that's as good as it gets, then it's good enough for me.
PHOTO: We had a friendship once and it made us happy then. Even if we don't keep in touch, I'm grateful for that friendship. If that's as good as it gets, then it's good enough for me.
Picture posted by ELENA VALENZUELA
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Monday, July 20, 2015

Birth, life and death: Sumiko Tan

Source Website: http://news.asiaone.com/news/lifestyle/birth-life-and-death-sumiko-tan
By Sumiko Tan, The Straits Times, Sunday, 19 July 2015


My first brush with death was when my grandfather died of a heart attack when I was five. I didn't understand what his dying meant. I don't think I even cried. I just remember the commotion when he died and thinking how exciting it was that the whole clan was gathering.
PHOTO: My first brush with death was when my grandfather died of a heart attack when I was five. I didn't understand what his dying meant. I don't think I even cried. I just remember the commotion when he died and thinking how exciting it was that the whole clan was gathering. 
Photo: The Straits Times
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It was a week like no other week.

I spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights at the wake of a friend who had died on Sunday. On Thursday morning, I went to his funeral.

On Friday night, I attended the wake of a former colleague's mother who had died earlier that week.

On Saturday morning, I went to the wake of an uncle who had passed on the day before.

It was perhaps little wonder that when Sunday came, I had a bad bout of the Sunday evening blues.

I've always felt out of sorts on Sunday nights. The world just seems gloomier, the air heavier and the night drearier than any other night of the week, only this time, it was worse. I felt suffocated.

Let's go for a walk and get dinner, He said.

No, I told him, I'm really not in the mood. I'm exhausted. I just want to curl up and sleep.

I'd known my friend since we were little. He was my oldest friend. We got along well and although we didn't meet that much, we wished the best for each other. His passing from brain cancer was not unexpected, but the timing came as a shock to me.

He had turned 53 the day before he died. A few of us had gathered at the nursing home he was in to have lunch and to cut his birthday cake. He couldn't eat. He was conscious but did not seem aware of us. It was a bittersweet visit and 12 hours later, he was gone.

My friend's mother had died unexpectedly after a short sickness and my uncle had been ill for three years.I'm at the age when wakes and funerals will become a common occurrence and I've got to brace myself for it.

My first brush with death was when my grandfather died of a heart attack when I was five.

He was a stout and handsome Teochew man who liked his food and liked to cook. He had a row of Ribena bottles in his room, filled with tasty, roasted, salted peanuts which he'd pour onto my palms.

We were living with him and he was fond of me. Every time my mother caned me, I'd go running to him and he'd scoop me up in his arms to protect me.

He slept on a green canvas bed supported by wooden poles. Whenever there was a thunderstorm, I'd go and sleep with him, back to back, our spines touching.

I didn't understand what his dying meant. I don't think I even cried. I just remember the commotion when he died and thinking how exciting it was that the whole clan was gathering.

Later, I was dressed in sackcloth like everyone else and we had to walk over a bridge and toss coins into a bucket during the wake.

When I was in my teens, a friend died in a road accident. That was the first time I realised what death meant.

It was bizarre how someone could be there one day, alive and full of quirks, and in the next second, be gone forever, and even more amazing was how he was my age.

When I became a journalist, I was on the crime beat for two years and had more encounters with death than most people would.

One of our duties was to visit the Singapore General Hospital mortuary every morning to see if there were unusual deaths we could report on.

The first time I was there, the body of a man was inside. Word was he had killed himself using a metal dog chain.

Another time, I had to interview the father of a boy who had committed suicide.

I still have a picture of the scene in my head - dusk was falling when the father came back from work. He had a weary look on his weather- beaten face. We stood outside his flat by the parapet.

"I forgive him," he said about his son.

The Hotel New World collapse in 1986 where 33 people died was the first large-scale tragedy I covered.

The scenes of despair as bodies were pulled out and the sweet, syrupy smell of death haunted me for a long time.

Over the years, there have been other deaths, of loved ones and acquaintances, and of strangers whose passing also affected me.

The death two years ago of the Singaporean man, his Korean girlfriend and her parents in an accident along the Central Expressway pained me for days.

As I age, I've become more and more aware that it won't be too long before I, too, will be gone.

Death is an ever-present fear for most people and in a Ted Talk, British author Stephen Cave describes it aptly: "We each live in the shadow of a personal apocalypse. And that's frightening. It's terrifying. And so we look for a way out."

Cave, who wrote a book called Immortality: The Quest To Live Forever And How It Drives Civilization, says that to cope with the terror of death, people from across cultures and over the ages have relied on four basic "immortality" stories.

The first is the elixir story, where we go in search of something that will make us live forever. It used to be the mythical fountain of youth. Today, we're talking stem-cell therapy and genetic engineering.

But we all know everyone will die and so there is a second concept we clutch at, says Cave - the resurrection story, where the idea is that while we will die, our bodies will rise and live again one day.

Others, however, believe in the soul story, which is the idea that we will leave our physical body behind, but we will live on as a soul.

Finally, there is the legacy story, which is the belief that you can live on through the echo you leave in the world, whether through your children or some form of legacy.

To say that the week that passed was sobering would be an understatement. It drew home to me how fragile life is and also just how plain horrible it is when someone you love dies.

What helped heal the pain were the rituals. The wakes and funerals allowed family and friends to come together to acknowledge the reality of the death, which was important. They also allowed us to remember the life of the person who died, to grieve and to support one another in that grief.

Death leaves a heartache that takes time to heal. Years can pass and you think you have moved on, but the pain can suddenly hit you again. I've been there.

At the funeral of my friend, one of his good friends gave a eulogy in which he recounted how a nun who was also a nurse asked a group of doctors and nurses this question: What is the opposite of death? Someone said it was life. But no, the nun said.

The opposite of death is birth, and what lies between is life.

My friend's death is mourned and we will miss him a lot. But he had lived a good and a full life, loved by many and there is some comfort in that.


By Sumiko Tan, The Straits Times, Sunday, 19 July 2015
This article was first published on July 19, 2015.
Get a copy of The Straits Times or go to straitstimes.com for more stories.


Collectors snap up works by Singapore artists
PHOTO: Collectors snap up works by Singapore artists
A life-like sculpture made of silicone by Sam Jinks from Melbourne drew curious onlookers at Art Stage Singapore.
Photo Source: The Straits Times, Fost Gallery
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Singapore’s first mermaid
PHOTO: Singapore’s first mermaid
National University of Singapore student Cara Nicole Neo, 21, is that mermaid. The English Literature student, who also goes by her alter ego “mermaid Syrena”, started moonlighting as a half-woman, half-fish in July this year (2013).
Posted by Luna Pham, Singapore Showbiz on Wednesday, 11 September 2013 at 1:10 PM SGT
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