Saturday, December 18, 2010

Baggage claim, Why can’t we just leave where it is?

Source: weekend today December 18 - 19, 2010, Page T3, column, (The Fairer Text)
From: http://imcms2.mediacorp.sg/CMSFileserver/documents/006/PDF/20101218/1812COW003.pdf
Source Website: http://www.todayonline.com/Columns/Thefairertext/EDC101218-0000167/Baggage-claim
By Georgina Chang, georginac@mediacorp.com.sg, 05:55 AM Dec 18, 2010



PHOTO: We all can learn to be less selfish.
Many of us want closure from those who hurt us before we can really let go and move on. But, chances are, we're never going to get it. The only closure that's attainable is in your own mind.
Copyright © MediaCorp Press Ltd
weekend today December 18 - 19, 2010, Page T3, column, (The Fairer Text)




PHOTO: Georgina Chang
weekend today December 18 - 19, 2010, Page T3, column, (The Fairer Text)
The writer is the senior creative director of 987FM and Lush 99.5.


I LOVE the process of meeting people and discovering if they'll be a part of my life forever, but sometimes I wonder if the adversities of my past are limiting my experience.

My friend Peter was telling us about his new love interest and in the spirit of friendly support, we gave our expert pointers on how to "close the deal" - thoughtful gestures to get her to commit. Then we realised that a long-term relationship wasn't his gameplan. He was aiming for a midterm, no-strings-attached arrangement. I snorted: "You just want a friend with benefits!"



PHOTO: I love you but what if I'm not good enough for you and when we get closer you'll find out about all my bad habits and weaknesses and I'm sure your mother will have something to say about me that will influence you negatively towards me and I couldn't possibly survive a rejection of my feelings - why can't we just be friends for a while?
http://lh3.ggpht.com/chefkeem/SJKAnESkYZI/AAAAAAAAA7c/GfznEZKGdfE/s800/I_love_you.jpg
http://www.squidoo.com/say-i-love-you


Peter explained himself. "I want companionship and I want sex. However, I'm very happy with the way my life is now, so I don't need to bring someone else's sh*t into my life."

Here's the irony about baggage. We all have it - emotional, physical or mental. But none of us wants to have to deal with someone else's baggage (it's like having someone drag dog poo into your lovely apartment). So why do we still lug this albatross around our necks?

A friend of mine was deeply hurt by a cheating boyfriend. Years later, she still finds herself drawn to men who are unattainable, like married men. Or if she were to meet a decent single man, she would nitpick and magnify his smallest flaw and suddenly that great guy is a real jerk. It's her defence mechanism.

Another friend whose boyfriend cheated on her comforted herself with food, and gained 20kg in a fit of depression. Then she started to hook up with strangers in bars and on the Internet just for flings. I think she's chosen a path of self-destruction.

It's not a gender-specific problem. A friend who was deeply hurt by his ex embarked on a rampage of "love 'em and leave 'em" affairs. He's not happier now - he's just too afraid to trust any woman.

My colourful and varied life means that along with the many wondrous joys, it's also been tainted with heartbreaking disillusions. It's only now that I realise that I still haven't completely exorcised the disenchantment of my youth, and it's causing me to form unfair assumptions about people and situations.



PHOTO: If a date were to innocently give another girl on the street a second look, and I'd suspect he is the cheating kind.
http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/stewardess.jpg
http://southwestmichiganwsjm.blogspot.com/2009_12_01_archive.html


For example, if a date were to innocently give another girl on the street a second look, and I'd suspect he is the cheating kind. A harmless comment by a family member immediately makes me feel like she's trying to find fault with me again.

My friend Steven is a very positive and charismatic person. He never gets angry and always has nice words for everyone.

He said: "I never take anything personally. Even if someone was nasty to me at work, or a family memberwas horrid to me, I'll forget it. Why go to their level, and why fight with yourself? I'll just stay true to me, be very nice and help them. The astonished looks on their faces is reward enough."

His generous life perspective amazed me.

I'm still struggling to let go of all the hurtful situations from family, friends and colleagues, so I'm not yet magnanimous enough to wholeheartedly extend all of myself to them. But maybe Steven's strategy is a proactive way to absolve yourself.

Carrie Fisher once said: "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." That Princess Leia might be on to something.



PHOTO: Everyone stares intently as we walk down the streets. They are probably thinking, "Wow, look at their big noses." But as soon as we sit down somewere, the astonishment is put aside and everyone is eager to help us.
http://photos.travellerspoint.com/91346/bench.jpg
http://amyandwim.travellerspoint.com/


Nobody thinks they are deliberately malicious to you (well, at least very few people do). It's their culmination of discontent that they are venting. It's their own frustrations and insecurities that make them callous with your feelings.

Steven was right. Don't take it personally. So my first baby steps is to feel sorry for them, and try to help them feel better about themselves.

That should change my own aura when I meet new friends and it would be a great start to laying good foundations for my new and current lifelong friendships.

Many of us want closure from those who hurt us before we can really let go and move on. But, chances are, we're never going to get it. The only closure that's attainable is in your own mind. It decides that chapter ofyour life is over, and you want to leave it in the past where it belongs.



PHOTO: Leave that cultural baggage behind for somewhere a little easier to just be. Pompeii.
Find yourself a little cocoon of home in this big, wide, wonderful world.
http://blogs.usyd.edu.au/sydneylife/images/Pompeii%203.JPG
http://blogs.usyd.edu.au/sydneylife/2006/08/home.html


Having your arms (and heart) wide open to new opportunities and relationships must be more liberating than keeping your hands full, clutching at mouldy, old, useless baggage.

I want that fabulous feeling of emancipation (to free from restriction or restraint, esp social or legal restraint). What about you?

By Georgina Chang, georginac@mediacorp.com.sg, 05:55 AM Dec 18, 2010 The writer is the senior creative director of 987FM and Lush 99.5.




PHOTO: December 5 – Let Go.
What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
(Author: Alice Bradley)
This year was a year of letting go. Mental baggage, physical clutter, stressful relationships. These things invade our lives and steal time and mental space.

Let go. Put the burden down and move on. Very little that we carry around is useful or necessary.

Without it, your arms are free to hold the one you love, your mind is free to focus on what’s important, your heart is unburdened by the demands of those who take and don’t give back.

The real skill is not in letting go. The real skill is in not picking up a different burden to replace the one you have just put down.
http://notenoughwords.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/burden.jpg?w=500&h=331
http://notenoughwords.wordpress.com/



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