Saturday, September 15, 2012

My name is Kai Kai and it's my birthday

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By Kai Kai (Satish Cheney), - 14 September 2012 6:50 PM | Updated 15 September 2012 2:58 PM

PHOTO: Kai Kai, which means “victorious” in Chinese, was born on 14 September 2007. He is active, amiable and obedient. He loves to eat carrots and likes licking his paws. Kai Kai has an ‘Onion Head’ which is created by a small tuft of fur on his head.
(Source: Wildlife Reserves Singapore) - (Kai Kai)

Ni hao. My name is Kai Kai aka Onion Head.

But please don't call me that - only my Mummy can call me that OK? She calls me that because my head looks a bit like an onion. Actually I don't even know what an onion looks like.

You must have heard about me from my female friend Jia Jia who recently wrote her first column for inSing News on the day we both arrived at your sunny island.

PHOTO: Jia Jia, which symbolises beauty in Chinese, was born on 3 September 2008. She has a playful personality and is very affectionate. Jia Jia loves climbing trees and eating on-the-go; at times she even carries bamboos up a tree to munch.
(Source: Wildlife Reserves Singapore) - (Jia Jia)

God knows where she gets her energy from. She spends all her time on fighting for panda rights - or in particular, to stop people from using the term 'panda eyes' as if they were a bad thing.

This whole writing thing was my idea but she was so keen to try her hand at being a columnist - I let her have a go at it first, because I only have one iPanda and my battery was running low. What? Never heard of the Orange company's iPanda tablet?

Hello, I'm from the People's Republic of China - you name it and we make it - just about any gadget in the universe.

Anyway, the reason why I want to write tonight is because it's my birthday today.

PHOTO: Celebrating a new birthday in a new land
(Photo / Wildlife Reserves Singapore)

But all I am hearing in my head is some erhu blues, instead of being happy and doing the gangnam style dance.

Jia Jia just got her own iPanda yesterday and every day she's got nothing better to do than post all the stupid spoof videos of the Gangnam style on her Facebook page. You better not add her as a friend, she will swarm your news feed with gangnam style videos and panda rights propaganda.

But can you imagine how cute I will look if I do that stupid horse dance? A giant panda doing a sexy horse dance?

PHOTO: I got quite an awesome buffet spread of sulphur and Siamese bamboo

I bet you guys, if I do that dance when I meet the public, you wouldn't even bother about that pale lady called Kate Middleton. I saw on inSing News that day, they had a video showing her and the soon to be Onion Head Prince (kidding only) visiting some old place that really reminded me of the good old days in the People's Republic of China when everything went like clockwork. At 3.45pm, children played the monkey bars and old people practised their kung fu. Every day they are shuffling kung fu style. I like a lot.

PHOTO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm cake. I want some now!

But now, with all that western influence and what they call Hip Hop music and Justin Bieber, no more discipline in society at all. I hope you Singaporeans continue the 3.45pm monkey bar business and kung fu panda-ing. Ok sorry, I should stop using panda puns. I read so many recently on my Facebook wall until I wished I was regular bear for once. Yes, stop using cute panda-isms like "panda-monium" - "pan-tastic" - "can't bear the cuteness" - "pandering", etc.

PHOTO: Abdul Halim, River Safari’s Assistant Curator of Zoology is really an awesome guy. He arranged the high-fibre biscuits to form the initials “KK5” for me. The cake had to be frozen overnight and weighed 5kg.

Anyway, back to why I am writing this today.

You see, I'm already five years old. That makes me a young teenager in the Panda World. And tell me something... would you be happy if you were under quarantine during your teenage birthday?

No right? But, I understand why quarantine is important. No choice. I think you Singaporeans call it "bo pian" right?

A bit like your national service, which come to think of it, is quite bad.

At least my national service to the People's Republic of China is quiet easy. All I have to do is romance the nine kingdoms with Jia Jia and people all over the world will celebrate. Sometimes they will even bring cameras to film us and give us more bamboo for energy. The lady pandas love it when there are cameras. Personally, I get a bit shy actually.

PHOTO: I made a wish but I can't tell you what it is. Hmmm ok.. it DOES involve Jia Jia a bit.

But at the end of the day, our national service involves us producing a baby or two - which can be quite tough for us pandas. It's not easy for us to make babies.

You see, genetically I am not like you. I don't expect you to understand but we can't sort of get jiggy with it anytime we want. It's just that we are born that way, like what one of our pop singers in The People's Republic of China, Panda Gaga said in one of her songs.

I'll be meeting Jia Jia probably once a year only and a lot depends if we have the right chemistry. I don't think you can put on a little Marvin Gaye and dim the lights. Our style is very different.

PHOTO: You can’t tie down a male panda with family life. They leave the females to raise the cubs and well, the males pretty much leave after mating.
(Source: Edinburgh Zoo) - (Female Panda with Baby)

But us guy pandas have it quite good, I must admit. In our panda culture, it's OK to leave the woman after getting her pregnant. She will take care of the kid. Hey, don't judge me please! At least I didn't create climate change problems or allow some small cage in that old place in Queenstown to be sold at a record price of S$1 million OK? We pandas are damn well-schooled in property matters because our choice locations in the world are getting less and less. Guess whose fault it is?

Ok, I was being cheeky. I love humans. You guys have been very nice to me.

I sometimes tend to dwell on the negative side of things. After all, I'm part of the new emo generation of pandas. But to be honest, it hasn't been that bad. I threw away all my Pwillight books and stopped listening to bands like "My Panda Romance".

PHOTO: Thank you kind zoo people for the cake made out of ice, carrots, apples and high-fibre biscuits. Now, what am I getting for Deepavali and Christmas?

So anyway, send me your birthday wishes here. I'll check and reply when I can, using my iPanda.

The zoo people gave me my own buffet and my own birthday cake which was one of the best I have ever tasted. I am quite sure the zoo people gave a big slice to Jia Jia also.

Every day I sing that song by the band "Panda Day" called "Wake Me Up When November Ends" - because then, it will be December and I will get to make new BFFs (Best Friends Forever) with you people. I might sound a bit cranky here and there but I'm a nice guy lah. See, I can even say 'lah' now.

But just don't call me Onion Head, OK?
By Kai Kai (Satish Cheney), - 14 September 2012 6:50 PM | Updated 15 September 2012 2:58 PM

(Editor's Note: Kai Kai arrived in Singapore last week with his partner Jia Jia from Sichuan, China and will be living here for 10 years. The public will get to see both of them in December. Click on the links below for more details and don't forget to send Kai Kai your birthday wishes.)

Read More: Jia Jia documents her journey from China to Singapore (

Read More: Pandas set to arrive in S’pore in Sept (

(The views and opinions expressed by the Panda and those providing comments are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect the views of and SingTel Digital Media Ptd Ltd.)

(This article was imagined and written by inSing.Com's Lead News Editor Satish Cheney who managed to channel his inner "Kung Fu Panda" after watching countless YouTube videos of the furry bears on a lonely Friday night.)

(All photos courtesy of Wildlife Reserves Singapore)